My emotions are yet again at a breaking point. From all of the mess that is my break-up with Justin to trying to figure out how to get out of the hole he has point me in financially. I feel like I get one step forward just to be knocked back four steps. I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm trying my damnedest to be strong and believe that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I mean really can't he test someone else. I just need a break. Something has to give. Being the holiday season I think everyone is struggling. But I just feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. All because he's a lying bastard that didn't feel he needed to pay the bills that HE was supposed to pay. Seriously you are 26 and you don't feel the need to be responsible. I guess that's why you were single when I got with you. Had I had known that I would go from having ONE son to TWO I would have never came here with him. I guess you live and learn. I now have a job that I absolutely LOVE, and a place to call my own. Granted I am struggling, really struggling, right now trying to play catch up (and pay everything needed in the current time) because of him, but I believe I will come out of this on top. It's just going to be rough and right now I'm not sure how it's going to happen but it will. Maybe I should play the lottery. Gosh, it will help if I could hit it, but really that's not practical. How I wish it was though. Having all of this idle time is doing nothing but giving me more time to think about everything. They say idle hands are the devil's playground and really I believe that idle time is the devil's time, as well. The more time I sit here alone the more I think and the sadder I get about it all. I'm thankful to have a healthy, gorgeous son and a job, but really I need something else to give. I'm doing my best to provide the best life possible for my son and I feel like I'm just being spit in the face for trying to do it on my own. I really need a break.
I'm beyond excited to go home to see my family and friends in a little less than two weeks, but I know that when I come back I'm going to struggle more than I am now. Taking two days off work is going to put me back 18 hours of pay. That's devastating that it comes to me seeing my family and friends for Christmas or being able to make all my bills. It shouldn't be this way. I wish that he wouldn't have put me in this position. Really. I don't know what to do.
Something really has to give.
